Why Me? Why Not Me?

I am coming out of the Easter Season with a clearer understanding of a spiritual issue I have been struggling with.  Although I accept the trials God puts in front of me, I do find myself having an expectation of there being a light at the end of the tunnel.  That light symbolizes to me a relief from the difficulties I have been living with.  Not only do I wish for a relief from my struggles, but I would love to find a reward waiting for me once I have finished walking through this dark valley.  I know, the reward is waiting for me in Heaven, but that isn't the reward I am talking about.

For me, I find myself coping with my problems by hoping for a better future.  I've gotten so I can trust God with the things that cause me stress, I can accept the problems I have to deal with, I know there is a greater reason for my struggles.  What I'm not good at is having acceptance of dealing with any struggle that will affect me for the length of my life.  I always view my problems as a temporary issue.  I don't allow myself to entertain the thought that I will be suffering from severe trials ten years from now.

The fact is, God hasn't promised us a life without struggles.  Honestly, when I allow myself a WORLD VIEW, I realized my problems are trivial compared to the millions of individuals living in 3rd world countries. Any frustration I feel over the amount of difficulties I have had to endure is selfish when I look at my difficulties in comparison to others.

I have often felt I had PTSD when it came to trials.  I have had my fair share.  I also have an understanding and commitment that my life isn't mine, but it's Gods.    As weary as I am from my life, I wouldn't trade it because God has designed me for a specific purpose and I do intend to live out my purpose, even if its hard.



So, the struggle I have had is knowing how to pray.  I know I am suppose to pray with faith God can answer.  I know I am suppose to lay my burdens at his feet and He will handle them.  I know these things, but I also know that God may not be ready to rescue me from my struggles.  I think I'm worried that if I prayed for God to "fix things", I would be angry if He didn't answer as I hoped, or worried that my attitude would change and my willingness to live for God, even when its hard, would leave me.

The answer is really very simple.  Today I was reading about when Jesus was betrayed.  His disciples pulled out swords and He chastised them.  He remind them He could call to God and have a legion of angels be sent.  He didn't do this, because what was to come next was part of God's perfect plan.  It somehow made me feel better to know that even Jesus had circumstances that He needed help with, and even though we know God was able to send help, it wasn't in God's plan to do so.  Jesus wasn't in this circumstance because of a bad decision, He had done nothing wrong to deserve it.  Jesus had also prayed and asked for a way out.  His asking didn't show a lack of willingness to go through a struggle, because in the end, he resigned His will to God's will.  I guess this gave me permission to ask for a way out of my trial, but also know that if God isn't changing my situation, it isn't because I have done something wrong, or because there is some puzzle I have to figure out first.

And really, I can say, "why me?" .  The truth is, "Why not me?".