One of co-infections I am being treated for is bartonella.
Read about bartonella at http://www.lymedisease.org/lyme101/coinfections/bartonella.html
One of the major symptoms of bartonella is anxiety. I've been taking zoloft for anxiety for years and it has helped me manage my unreasonable concerns effectively. Unfortunately, being a bacterial infection, treatment will cause an increase or worsening of symptoms. Great, just what I need. If this isn't enough, chronic illness in and of itself causes situational anxiety.
Part of me feels like I should lock myself in my room and come out when treatment is all done.
Shutting myself away from humanity isn't a realistic option. So, I just have to pull my big girl pants up and find ways to cope.
My biggest coping skill is putting all my worries on my Saviors shoulders. Yes, that is easier said then done, but what is the alternative? Worrying until you are sick? Oh wait, I'm already sick, so worry will only make me sicker. God tells us to cast all our cares on Him. The struggle I have is knowing what that REALLY means.
I find myself trapped in between the idea of "letting go and letting God" and the concept of being self-reliant. For me, worrying happens as I try to solve whatever problem I am in. This just causes me to feel helpless and desperate. I start blaming myself for the situation even though my circumstances are out of my control. This is no solution. Lymies need to be very conscious of how stress can affect their treatment. We need to be able to rest and allow our bodies the time needed to recover. That's kinda hard to do when treatment is so expensive! The alternative to this is sitting back, praying and fasting, and waiting for God to provide the answers. I find this very difficult for two reasons.
1.) I feel like I need to be doing something proactively. I start out with the intention of giving God all the glory, but instead, I find myself slipping into a thought pattern that puts ME in charge and expecting God to just pat me on the back congratulating me.
2.) I worry about my ability to discern God's will. I have full faith that God will take care of us in some way, but I don't have faith in myself to make decisions. I've told God on a number of occasions He is just going to have to slap me upside the head with His Will.
I want to trust God
I want to be living in His will
I want not to worry
I want to know what to do
When you are sick you can find yourself in a state of desperation. Lyme disease is a horrible disease because it is so difficult to pay for GOOD treatment. As it is, I'm going to have to stop my injections due to the cost of them. This will dramatically slow down the healing process unless God divinely intervenes. There is no way I can work. Scott is sick, we aren't sure if he is going to be able to work. On top of all this both my girls are ill. It would be irresponsible for me to not treat their lyme or to wait until they are as sick as me before starting treatment. Four family members paying for treatment. If we only had medical bills it wouldn't be bad. Unfortunately, we have to move, which costs money upfront. My daughter needs a deposit for the college she plans to attend. We pray daily that our car will continue to run. I don't think I've ever been as overwhelmed as I am right now. How do you do it without trusting God? I'd go insane! Having an inner peace that God is in control is better then any anxiety medicine. I know that no matter what situation I find myself in, as long as I'm trusting God and growing closer to Him then where ever I am is where I'm suppose to be.
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