I've been feeling pretty down the past couple of days. It may be another way the lyme is manifesting itself as my symptoms slowly worsen. Or it may be that I'm just down because I have been stuck in my house and away from my life for three months. Either way, I'm pretty mopey.
I contemplated not blogging, but if I am sharing my experiences I wouldn't be honest if I only discussed things positively. I do feel sad sometimes, and it's ok that I feel sad. God created all of our emotions.
Sad or not, I still have hope. My hope is based on my belief that no matter what, God's will is perfect and all though things that happen to me cause sadness, I still have a peace that God will take care of me.
I have so much to lose. I feel like I'm dangling on a string of uncertainty. My hope isn't that God will prevent me from losing what I value, but instead my hope is that if I do lose what I'm holding on to God has something better planned. I don't mean bigger, I mean better. For me better is simply fulfilling God's purpose for my life.
Still, right now I feel down. I tried to go watch my daughter cheer at a basket ball game, but the pain from sitting on the bleachers in the cold gym made me nauseous. My poor mother-in-law watched the game alone as I spent the game trying not to pass out or throw up. I was with her in body but not in spirit. Getting out of the building was a challenge. I decided my mother-in-law and I are a dangerous combination. We are both at high risk of falling, and neither of us could help the other get around.
At the game I was reminded of what I don't have right now. I watched as parents socialized and cheered. I feel like I've been removed from life and am watching, as an outsider, everyone else go on living. I am stuck in this illness, being left behind as everyone else moves forward.
I also have fear. Here I am, so sick I can barely meet my most basic needs, and our government denies that my illness even exists. Laws are slowly changing but it isn't happening fast enough to help me right now. I have to pay out of pocket for my doctor appointments and needed treatment. When I feel over come with fear I meditate on how God has supplied my needs so far. Thanks to donations I have now been able to pay for my first two, most expensive donations. My bills are up to date as of November. And the generosity of friends and family helping to meet our basic needs is noted and appreciated. I promise, when I am well I will pay it forward.
I do plan on getting well. I just don't know how long it will take or how we will pay for it. I hate uncertainty. I know I am growing in my faith through this. I know God is working in this situation. I just wish I knew what the plan was. The uncertainty of whether or not I will be better before my disability runs out is driving me nuts. I want to plan and be a good steward of what I have but I don't know what I'm suppose to do.
Every morning, I have a quiet time with God. I pray that He will guide my steps for just today. I simply say, "God, help me to be able to focus on whatever task it is you want me to accomplish. Please give me wisdom for how to utilize my time. Let me know what it is you what me to do TODAY"
That's all I can do. If I need to sleep...I sleep. If I am blessed with a relief from my brain fog I try to get some work done. If my body is having a good day I do some light housework. If I am feeling motivated to blog, email, text, network....that's what I do.
So, I've laid my soul out there. Tomorrow I may feel happy and energetic. Who knows how I will feel from moment to moment. This is a crazy disease. I can't plan what I'm going to do in a couple of hours let alone plan for the next day.
The one thing I can, and will, do is to continue to educate everyone whom I have contact with that there are hundreds of thousands of people in our country just like me. We are all suffering while our government is ignoring us.
No comments:
Post a Comment