from despair to elation ~ how I feel now that I have a positive western blot

I can't even begin to express the joy I feel right now.  It was like a weight was lifted off my chest and I could breath again.  Yes, I already had the lyme diagnosis based on symptoms.  Yes, I had proof of the diagnosis based on how I responded to antibiotics.  For what ever reason, having a piece of paper that says POSITIVE gives me a validation that I didn't know I needed.

All the headaches, the fatigue, the lack of motivation, the crazy changing emotions,  the ditziness...cough..I mean the lack of focus, the concentration and memory issues, the difficulty working out, the muscle fatigue and weakness, the dizziness, the vertigo, the sensitivities......I guess you get the point.  There was a legitimate reason as to why I felt this way.

My LLMD (lyme litterate doc) thinks I was infected in childhood.  In the back of my head I thought that as well.  I just didn't say that because I knew for sure I had a funky rash along with joint pain and flu like symptoms in 1993.  If I go back further in my childhood my third grade year stands out in my head.  That was when my migraines started, migraines that originated from neck pain.  In fact, back then the doctor didn't think they were migraines.  They didn't present that way.  The headaches were unique and painful.  So painful I ended up hospitalized at the age of 9.  After a few days of tests I was sent to a psychiatrist.  The psychiatrists didn't find anything of significance wrong with me.  My mom started sending me to a chiropractor after that.  I was so tired of being drug to appointments I just said that the chiropractor was helping.  He may have helped a little, it's hard to tell.  Also at the age of 8 or 9 I had a lot of knee pain.  I had fluid under my knee cap, and my knees would often lock up on me.  Of course all these symptoms would come and go.  At that young age I felt judged.  I felt like others thought I was being a hypochondriac.  Actually as an adult, I have described myself in just that way when talking about how I was when I was young.  I felt so badly about over reacting to these symptoms that I have been less then sympathetic when my own children have complained of various ailments.  I didn't want them to be "hypochondriacs" like I was.  HA! Have I been wrong!  I'm looking at everything differently now.

When my LLMD told me my test results I felt many feelings in just a few seconds.  I cheered with excitement and then immediately started crying, I hate crying so that quickly turned to anger.  Right now I am just full of gratitude.  After all these years of tests for various ailments coming back negative I was finally awarded with a positive test result.  My first positive test felt like the first time I got an A on a difficult subject.  I felt like I finally was an over achiever in the sickness world!  How many times have I gone to the ER for various pain to be sent home with a shrug of the shoulders.  YAY! I HAVE A DISEASE!

The other feelings are there under the surface.  How sad is it that I don't even know what it feels like to be healthy? My husband and children have never known me healthy.  Heck, I don't even know myself healthy!  I've been sick for almost thirty years!  I'm not angry at doctors from my early childhood.  Lyme was only discovered a few years before I became ill.  I am angry about it not being discovered around the time they realized my symptoms COULD be due to lyme.  You know, around 1994 when they first tested me for it.  I can be angry, but honestly, the doctors back then were only doing what the CDC and IDSA recommended.  Unfortunately, the doctors around here are STILL doing what the IDSA recommends.  We need to change those recommendations!

So, right now I will relish the fact that someday in the future I may be able to live the way healthy people live.  I may be able to do things with my family without pain.  I may be able to train and be a better martial artist. I may be able to be more productive in all areas of my life.  I may not be scatter brained any more!  I hope you will all still love me when some of the quirkiness I'm known for is gone!

My LLMD is very optimistic that I will recover at a fast pace.  (fast to lyme standards is still months or years).  I have responded beautifully to the amoxicillian I have been on.  Now it's time for the big guns to be put on board!  I can't wait to start loading on the heavy meds!  I will get through the side affects and HERXING because of my desire to discover what HEALTHY feels like!