Still In Denial, Learning acceptance

I am still struggling accepting help.  I'm still struggling to ask for help.  I feel like I'm taking advantage of people, or that they are going to get burned out helping me.

I think part of why I feel this way is because I can look back at times where I knew people needed help but I was to busy to do anything for them.

I also keep thinking I can do more, push harder, stop being a wimp.  I am actually grateful for my physical therapy sessions where I can constructively see something is wrong and it's not in my head.  I am able to accept there are issues with my body out of my control.

I have an overwhelming conviction over the importance of community.  I see the need to teach our children to give of themselves to others.  I think our society suffers from a chronic condition of selfishness.  The only remedy is SELFLESSNESS.  Have I been putting actions to the words I have no problem saying?  I don't know.

I do know that as I sit here I have plenty of time to think about how I have been managing my time.  I have no answers as to whether or not I've been to busy.  I have no answers because I don't know how I could have changed things to be less busy.

Never, has God more clearly spoke to me then He is right now.  I've been feeling overwhelmed and scattered for the past year and I've been struggling in choosing where to put my attention.  I have been so busy I haven't even had time to stop and evaluate where I'm at and where God wants me to go.  I have been praying about this and asking for direction.  God has literally grounded me, making it impossible for me to over do it.  I am being forced right now to take the time I need to get myself back together and get refocused on following the crazy path God's put me on.

It is frustrating, depressing, and boring, to be literally trapped in my home.  I feel like I have a leash hooked to me that only lets me go so far or do so much before it pulls me back.

I can't drive which is hard as a parent of teenagers.  Knowing my kids are at after-school activities or friends houses and being unable to go get them or go check on them is maddening.  I can't take them to the store when they need something I can't help with transportation in any way.  Last night my daughter needed to go to the ER and being unable to take her was horrible.  My husband took her of course, but it was ten at night, he had been going all day and had to get up and work in the morning.  I felt so guilty.  I couldn't even go along for moral support because we had just come back from visiting with friends and my body was to fatigued to get out of bed.

I want to do fall activities with my family.  Right now, there isn't much I can do because I need a wheel chair and don't have one yet.  I can't go to a store that doesn't have wheel chairs and when I'm in the store I feel so helpless as I just sit there directing my husband who is pushing me around.

TRAPPED.

So, I'm sitting home, contemplating, praying, waiting.  My dog, Cato, and I are getting lots of bonding time!  Seriously, I always want to live with purpose.  I trust there is purpose in my current situation so I am not worried.  At least at the moment.  When God strips you of everything that is in the way of you and Him you can put negative emotions up as your new barrier, or you could look straight at God and remain focused on Him.  I can't socialize anymore, talking causes muscle spasms that lead to severe fatigue.  I can't go places often.  Sometimes I can't even type on the computer.  There are days that all manners of communication are impossible.  God has something to teach me in this, I will take the lesson gladly.

I am a determined stubborn person.  Don't think I am laying around waiting for this to get better.  My goal is still 4th degree black belt.  I still want to actively help others.  I'm just using this time to hang out with God and get my road map ready.  I'm just preparing for the next leg of my journey.