I use to be a runner.
A really good runner!
Every fall, I catch that smell and crispness in the air that signals a change of seasons and I want to put my sneakers on and start running. I think fall signals for me a desire to run because I fell in love with the sport due to cross country in middle school. Not only did I love running, but I was good at it! It wasn't that I was the fastest runner in the bunch, but I was probably one of the most competitive. I would push myself to the point of collapsing just to finish at the top of the pack. I enjoyed the control I had over my body and the endurance I had giving me the ability to push through pain. Talk about an adrenalin rush after a race! It was my own personal high.
I miss running.
I stopped running in my late teens. My knees really bothered me. I went to the doctor and was told it was arthritis, or I had fluid under my knee cap, or I damaged them from running so much while I was still growing. Whatever the cause of the knee pain, it stopped me in my tracks putting an end to the sport I loved the most.
I think part of the reason I fell in love with taekwondo was because it replaced running. I had a natural ability to control my body movements, and taekwondo allowed me the control in determining how well I did. I also was able to push myself in sparring needing to tap into the endurance I had in order to do well. My knees bothered me in some ways but this sport didn't have the high impact that running did.
I still missed running.
In my early thirties my joint pain located itself in my wrists and fingers. Before I knew it I had joint pain in my elbows and neck as well. I resigned myself to the pain figuring it was my lot in life.
I then was introduced to the JUUVA products. I was told the Galaxy blend would help with joint pain. I didn't try this blend right away as I was more interested in other products. My husband tried it first and began raving about how good felt. I finally decided to give it a try, and at first I didn't think I noticed much of a difference. A few weeks went by, and it suddenly hit me, I had no joint pain. I was in the kitchen cooking and I remembered how earlier in the day I had been doing lunges with our taekwondo class. It hit me, I had felt no pain while doing them. I tested my knees out by doing squats at the stove, I then did squat jumps, NO PAIN!
A few weeks after that I approached a couple at church who were in to running and told them I was interested in getting back to the sport I loved. I just was waiting for some test results to come back regarding what I thought at the time was a pinched nerve in my neck.
Unfortunately, I never got back into running this summer. The good news is I still am not suffering from joint pain. The bad news is these neurological symptoms are even worse. It is almost like I had fixed one system and what ever was wrong traveled to another body system. Maybe you lyme literate readers could shed some light on this. My research shows me how tricky that little lyme bug is. I'm calling it the ninja disease because of how sneaky and well hidden it can be.
Anyway, this fall I will have to enjoy the fall weather from my window. I am looking forward to spending time with family and friends Saturday apple picking. I wonder if a wheel chair can make it through the corn maze?
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
I'm all done seeking referrals
I'm back from Boston and I'm all done going to doctors who just shrug their shoulders. I didn't expect an answer from the doctor at the Lahey Clinic, but I was expecting them to at least try and come up with some suggestions of tests or possible treatment. I can't believe I got another shrug of the shoulders.
I ensured my symptoms were apparent. I stopped taking the Galaxy impact blend a few days before. I took off my emitter that I wear to help prevent the muscle spasms and uncontrolled movements. I walked up the stairs to get to the office. By the time I actually saw the doctor I looked like a puppet on strings with my out of control spastic limbs!
I looked like a freak show. I was exhausted. My ability to concentrate was horrible, subtracting 7 from 100 put me in tears. All of that and the end result of the appointment was a list of disorders I DIDN'T have. The only recommendation was to go and see a movement specialist. Even with the recommendation the doctor informed me she didn't think I had any major movement disorder. My husband spun a positive light on the appointment in pointing out that now we know for sure what I don't have, it directs us into a more clear direction of what I DO have.
So, now I am playing the waiting game. My appointment with a lyme literate doctor isn't until the first week in November. I don't plan on seeing a movement specialist. My quick research shows me that most movement disorders are actually symptoms of another issue. Makes more sense to me to find the "issue" and work on that instead of bandaging the symptoms.
The good news is I can now work on getting healthier holistically. I had stopped using the Galaxy because the doctors wanted to see me at my worse. The Lyme Literate Doctor I'm seeing understands the importance of taking care of our bodies nutritional needs and would accept my explanation as to why I'm seeing a symptoms reduction without just assuming there is nothing wrong with me sense I'm getting better without medicine. I'm back on two doses of Galaxy a day, I'm confident I will see my body gain more endurance so that I can get out and about more.
My husband is back from the JUUVA conference in Utah. He talked to Dr. Booth about the Galaxy and how it could help those with Lyme Disease. He also talked to a doctor who uses the emitter for acupuncture instead of using needles. I'm really excited about the LIVE and nine strains of probiotics that it has. That will be a necessity when/if I end up on long term antibiotics. I love seeing him so motivated and excited about a company and it's products. He said many of the people he met out in Utah already knew about me and my health struggles. It warms my heart that so many people I don't even know are praying for me. It warms my heart even more that the Juuva Team Extreme has been so supportive.
I want to send big hugs out to those of you who have been helping my family with meals, visits,and transportation. Scott not having to worry about cooking after working from 8am to 7pm is such a relief. The girls have been able to keep their lives more normal, still participating in all the activities teenage girls enjoy.
I have good days and bad days. On the good days I feel hopeful, and enjoy things I took for granted, like cleaning my house. On the bad days I watch netflix and cuddle with Cato Sweet Potato Chip!
I ensured my symptoms were apparent. I stopped taking the Galaxy impact blend a few days before. I took off my emitter that I wear to help prevent the muscle spasms and uncontrolled movements. I walked up the stairs to get to the office. By the time I actually saw the doctor I looked like a puppet on strings with my out of control spastic limbs!
I looked like a freak show. I was exhausted. My ability to concentrate was horrible, subtracting 7 from 100 put me in tears. All of that and the end result of the appointment was a list of disorders I DIDN'T have. The only recommendation was to go and see a movement specialist. Even with the recommendation the doctor informed me she didn't think I had any major movement disorder. My husband spun a positive light on the appointment in pointing out that now we know for sure what I don't have, it directs us into a more clear direction of what I DO have.
So, now I am playing the waiting game. My appointment with a lyme literate doctor isn't until the first week in November. I don't plan on seeing a movement specialist. My quick research shows me that most movement disorders are actually symptoms of another issue. Makes more sense to me to find the "issue" and work on that instead of bandaging the symptoms.
The good news is I can now work on getting healthier holistically. I had stopped using the Galaxy because the doctors wanted to see me at my worse. The Lyme Literate Doctor I'm seeing understands the importance of taking care of our bodies nutritional needs and would accept my explanation as to why I'm seeing a symptoms reduction without just assuming there is nothing wrong with me sense I'm getting better without medicine. I'm back on two doses of Galaxy a day, I'm confident I will see my body gain more endurance so that I can get out and about more.
My husband is back from the JUUVA conference in Utah. He talked to Dr. Booth about the Galaxy and how it could help those with Lyme Disease. He also talked to a doctor who uses the emitter for acupuncture instead of using needles. I'm really excited about the LIVE and nine strains of probiotics that it has. That will be a necessity when/if I end up on long term antibiotics. I love seeing him so motivated and excited about a company and it's products. He said many of the people he met out in Utah already knew about me and my health struggles. It warms my heart that so many people I don't even know are praying for me. It warms my heart even more that the Juuva Team Extreme has been so supportive.
I want to send big hugs out to those of you who have been helping my family with meals, visits,and transportation. Scott not having to worry about cooking after working from 8am to 7pm is such a relief. The girls have been able to keep their lives more normal, still participating in all the activities teenage girls enjoy.
I have good days and bad days. On the good days I feel hopeful, and enjoy things I took for granted, like cleaning my house. On the bad days I watch netflix and cuddle with Cato Sweet Potato Chip!
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
It's a good day! I think my body has a split personality...
My Physical Therapist (PT) suggested I give my legs different names. They each have their own unique personalities at the moment. I also think my legs either are bi-polar or have multiple personalities. Not only are they not behaving the same, but they can't decide how intensely they want to display their behaviors from day to day. If that's not enough, my arms have decided they want in on the action. My arms take turns as far as which one will misbehave on any given day.
Maybe you can help me name my four limbs with their unique personalities.
My legs are like fraternal twins. My right leg is numb all the time. When I walk I feel like I'm wearing a shoe with a lift in it because I can't gauge how much pressure I'm putting on that foot. Sometimes the numbness goes all the way up to my knees. It's pretty annoying. I can walk on it for awhile, but it quickly becomes very uncomfortable. My left leg has become a weakling. It feels normal, but doing leg lifts in PT is super difficult. Sometimes I can do my exercises, I just struggle more with that leg. Sometimes I can't even lift the leg a few inches.
My arms have the same symptoms. They are more like identical twins. What my arms do is take turns being the "sick" one. My muscles in my shoulder get tight which leaves my arms feeling heavy. Slowly the muscle tightness and burning moves down my arms and into my hands and fingers making it difficult to use them.
So if all that isn't fun enough, my body gets even more funky when I over do it. It's like my brain loses the ability to communicate with my arms and legs. I will want to move in a certain way, but my limbs just don't respond. And then there is what my girls call my "tyrannosaurs arms". My arms lock up in a bent position close to my body and I need help bringing them down to a relaxed, more normal looking position. Sometimes they lock up fast. Sometimes it's a slower process where they flare around a bit as I work to control them.
The past two days were BAD days. I was tired from the moment I woke up. Monday I couldn't do anything in PT. I actually don't remember Monday much at all. I do remember trying to help with the dishes and supper on Monday and my arms locked up. My girls helped bring my arms down, and then once they were down I was unable to control any movement. Chelsea had to help me get back in bed. Good Times.
Tuesday started out with me locking up while trying to fry an egg. My legs decided they would join in on the fun and also stopped working. The girls helped me get back to my room and literally rolled me into the bed. Once Scott got me propped up on pillows I decided I'd just hang out in bed the rest of the day.
And then there was today! I woke up tired, so I started out slow. As the morning progressed I started feeling better. By the time I go to PT at eleven I was actually feeling really good! I had a great session, even had weights on my legs! I also WALKED out of there without assistance afterwards! I needed a nap, of course, but then when I woke up I was able to visit with a friend without my crazy arms waving around. I only locked up into my "Tyrannosaurus Arms" once and that was when I was laughing.
I love today. I am clear headed, and I feel strong. I went downstairs and "helped" with forms. I got up and down off the mats with out having to think about it. My legs ALMOST felt normal! I felt like I could do forms myself! (I didn't, that probably wouldn't have ended well). Scott had to help me get upstairs, but mostly for balance reasons, I made it up the stairs with my own strength. I'm sitting here now typing and only my upper arms hurt today. YAY!
Don't you find it weird? I do. I was literally bed ridden yesterday, and today feeling almost normal. (I still get tired easy).
I'm HOPING it's because I'm taking two shots of Galaxy a day. Galaxy is a nutritional supplement that is full of super fruits and super foods. It is the reason I no longer have joint pain. I use to be a runner, but had to stop running in my late teens because of knee pain. That knee pain spread to my elbows, wrists and fingers. I started taking Galaxy this spring and within a month found I no longer had joint pain! It was GREAT! I really felt good enough to run again. Unfortunately, these neurological symptoms have put a monkey wrench in that plan. Fingers crossed, taking a shot of it twice a day may help! My husband is using me as a science experiment. Our hypothesis is that the Galaxy will increase my endurance. My symptoms get worse with fatigue. It doesn't take much to make me tired. If I can go longer before the fatigue sets in that would be so great! It's been a few days, but today I have been able to put out more energy without having the neurological symptoms knocking me down. I've had a couple of naps today, but when I'm awake I feel really good. I wonder what tomorrow will be like!
Maybe you can help me name my four limbs with their unique personalities.
My legs are like fraternal twins. My right leg is numb all the time. When I walk I feel like I'm wearing a shoe with a lift in it because I can't gauge how much pressure I'm putting on that foot. Sometimes the numbness goes all the way up to my knees. It's pretty annoying. I can walk on it for awhile, but it quickly becomes very uncomfortable. My left leg has become a weakling. It feels normal, but doing leg lifts in PT is super difficult. Sometimes I can do my exercises, I just struggle more with that leg. Sometimes I can't even lift the leg a few inches.
My arms have the same symptoms. They are more like identical twins. What my arms do is take turns being the "sick" one. My muscles in my shoulder get tight which leaves my arms feeling heavy. Slowly the muscle tightness and burning moves down my arms and into my hands and fingers making it difficult to use them.
So if all that isn't fun enough, my body gets even more funky when I over do it. It's like my brain loses the ability to communicate with my arms and legs. I will want to move in a certain way, but my limbs just don't respond. And then there is what my girls call my "tyrannosaurs arms". My arms lock up in a bent position close to my body and I need help bringing them down to a relaxed, more normal looking position. Sometimes they lock up fast. Sometimes it's a slower process where they flare around a bit as I work to control them.
The past two days were BAD days. I was tired from the moment I woke up. Monday I couldn't do anything in PT. I actually don't remember Monday much at all. I do remember trying to help with the dishes and supper on Monday and my arms locked up. My girls helped bring my arms down, and then once they were down I was unable to control any movement. Chelsea had to help me get back in bed. Good Times.
Tuesday started out with me locking up while trying to fry an egg. My legs decided they would join in on the fun and also stopped working. The girls helped me get back to my room and literally rolled me into the bed. Once Scott got me propped up on pillows I decided I'd just hang out in bed the rest of the day.
And then there was today! I woke up tired, so I started out slow. As the morning progressed I started feeling better. By the time I go to PT at eleven I was actually feeling really good! I had a great session, even had weights on my legs! I also WALKED out of there without assistance afterwards! I needed a nap, of course, but then when I woke up I was able to visit with a friend without my crazy arms waving around. I only locked up into my "Tyrannosaurus Arms" once and that was when I was laughing.
I love today. I am clear headed, and I feel strong. I went downstairs and "helped" with forms. I got up and down off the mats with out having to think about it. My legs ALMOST felt normal! I felt like I could do forms myself! (I didn't, that probably wouldn't have ended well). Scott had to help me get upstairs, but mostly for balance reasons, I made it up the stairs with my own strength. I'm sitting here now typing and only my upper arms hurt today. YAY!
Don't you find it weird? I do. I was literally bed ridden yesterday, and today feeling almost normal. (I still get tired easy).
Monday, September 16, 2013
Still In Denial, Learning acceptance
I am still struggling accepting help. I'm still struggling to ask for help. I feel like I'm taking advantage of people, or that they are going to get burned out helping me.
I think part of why I feel this way is because I can look back at times where I knew people needed help but I was to busy to do anything for them.
I also keep thinking I can do more, push harder, stop being a wimp. I am actually grateful for my physical therapy sessions where I can constructively see something is wrong and it's not in my head. I am able to accept there are issues with my body out of my control.
I have an overwhelming conviction over the importance of community. I see the need to teach our children to give of themselves to others. I think our society suffers from a chronic condition of selfishness. The only remedy is SELFLESSNESS. Have I been putting actions to the words I have no problem saying? I don't know.
I do know that as I sit here I have plenty of time to think about how I have been managing my time. I have no answers as to whether or not I've been to busy. I have no answers because I don't know how I could have changed things to be less busy.
Never, has God more clearly spoke to me then He is right now. I've been feeling overwhelmed and scattered for the past year and I've been struggling in choosing where to put my attention. I have been so busy I haven't even had time to stop and evaluate where I'm at and where God wants me to go. I have been praying about this and asking for direction. God has literally grounded me, making it impossible for me to over do it. I am being forced right now to take the time I need to get myself back together and get refocused on following the crazy path God's put me on.
It is frustrating, depressing, and boring, to be literally trapped in my home. I feel like I have a leash hooked to me that only lets me go so far or do so much before it pulls me back.
I can't drive which is hard as a parent of teenagers. Knowing my kids are at after-school activities or friends houses and being unable to go get them or go check on them is maddening. I can't take them to the store when they need something I can't help with transportation in any way. Last night my daughter needed to go to the ER and being unable to take her was horrible. My husband took her of course, but it was ten at night, he had been going all day and had to get up and work in the morning. I felt so guilty. I couldn't even go along for moral support because we had just come back from visiting with friends and my body was to fatigued to get out of bed.
I want to do fall activities with my family. Right now, there isn't much I can do because I need a wheel chair and don't have one yet. I can't go to a store that doesn't have wheel chairs and when I'm in the store I feel so helpless as I just sit there directing my husband who is pushing me around.
TRAPPED.
So, I'm sitting home, contemplating, praying, waiting. My dog, Cato, and I are getting lots of bonding time! Seriously, I always want to live with purpose. I trust there is purpose in my current situation so I am not worried. At least at the moment. When God strips you of everything that is in the way of you and Him you can put negative emotions up as your new barrier, or you could look straight at God and remain focused on Him. I can't socialize anymore, talking causes muscle spasms that lead to severe fatigue. I can't go places often. Sometimes I can't even type on the computer. There are days that all manners of communication are impossible. God has something to teach me in this, I will take the lesson gladly.
I am a determined stubborn person. Don't think I am laying around waiting for this to get better. My goal is still 4th degree black belt. I still want to actively help others. I'm just using this time to hang out with God and get my road map ready. I'm just preparing for the next leg of my journey.
I think part of why I feel this way is because I can look back at times where I knew people needed help but I was to busy to do anything for them.
I also keep thinking I can do more, push harder, stop being a wimp. I am actually grateful for my physical therapy sessions where I can constructively see something is wrong and it's not in my head. I am able to accept there are issues with my body out of my control.
I have an overwhelming conviction over the importance of community. I see the need to teach our children to give of themselves to others. I think our society suffers from a chronic condition of selfishness. The only remedy is SELFLESSNESS. Have I been putting actions to the words I have no problem saying? I don't know.
I do know that as I sit here I have plenty of time to think about how I have been managing my time. I have no answers as to whether or not I've been to busy. I have no answers because I don't know how I could have changed things to be less busy.
Never, has God more clearly spoke to me then He is right now. I've been feeling overwhelmed and scattered for the past year and I've been struggling in choosing where to put my attention. I have been so busy I haven't even had time to stop and evaluate where I'm at and where God wants me to go. I have been praying about this and asking for direction. God has literally grounded me, making it impossible for me to over do it. I am being forced right now to take the time I need to get myself back together and get refocused on following the crazy path God's put me on.
It is frustrating, depressing, and boring, to be literally trapped in my home. I feel like I have a leash hooked to me that only lets me go so far or do so much before it pulls me back.
I can't drive which is hard as a parent of teenagers. Knowing my kids are at after-school activities or friends houses and being unable to go get them or go check on them is maddening. I can't take them to the store when they need something I can't help with transportation in any way. Last night my daughter needed to go to the ER and being unable to take her was horrible. My husband took her of course, but it was ten at night, he had been going all day and had to get up and work in the morning. I felt so guilty. I couldn't even go along for moral support because we had just come back from visiting with friends and my body was to fatigued to get out of bed.
I want to do fall activities with my family. Right now, there isn't much I can do because I need a wheel chair and don't have one yet. I can't go to a store that doesn't have wheel chairs and when I'm in the store I feel so helpless as I just sit there directing my husband who is pushing me around.
TRAPPED.
So, I'm sitting home, contemplating, praying, waiting. My dog, Cato, and I are getting lots of bonding time! Seriously, I always want to live with purpose. I trust there is purpose in my current situation so I am not worried. At least at the moment. When God strips you of everything that is in the way of you and Him you can put negative emotions up as your new barrier, or you could look straight at God and remain focused on Him. I can't socialize anymore, talking causes muscle spasms that lead to severe fatigue. I can't go places often. Sometimes I can't even type on the computer. There are days that all manners of communication are impossible. God has something to teach me in this, I will take the lesson gladly.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
From I'm doing ok to I'm ready to drop kick someone
You know I'm having a good day if I blog. That means I am having some control over my various limbs.
When people ask me how I'm doing I usually say I'm doing good. I answer this way because despite my physical limitations and struggles, mentally I'm in a good spot. Right now, if you were to ask me how I am doing, I'd probably tell you I'm upset and frustrated. This isn't because my symptoms are worsening, it is because of my frustration over how the medical community is responding to my worsening symptoms.
I think the answer "I don't know" is a respectful and honest answer. Not knowing the answer to a problem is fine, that means we just need to keep looking. I have a very difficult time when someone assumes that because they didn't find the answer they were looking for that must then mean there is no answer to find. That is a very self-absorbed response to the dilemma of there being no immediate answer. When I went to the neurologist I have been seeing, instead of telling me she didn't know, she said "there is nothing wrong". For the first time in this whole mess I cried. I cried because her response told me she was all done looking. I cried because her prideful remark was presumptuous and arrogant. I cried because I was disappointed that the doctor I trusted was done trying to help me. She didn't even offer to make a referral.
She told me I was sitting around to much and that my symptoms were getting worse due to this. She advised that I start pushing my limits a little to start building my endurance and strength. I told my physical therapist this. She had been after me to not over do it. To learn to recognize my body's signs that it was time to stop. The concern that fatigue made my symptoms worse guided treatment.
We decided to push it.
Pushing it was really not doing much more, but a little more was all it took to bring on new symptoms.
So now, along with loosing the ability to use my legs (a normal consequence of overdoing it), I developed severe muscle spasms. My legs and arms flared uncontrollably. I was unable to use my right hand at all. Talking made the muscle spasms so bad it looked like I was having a seizure. I even got to the point I couldn't talk or feel my tongue.
That's what I got for "pushing it". I went from the morning where I could walk almost normally, without assistance, to a few hours later being bed ridden, and then a few hours after that needing an ambulance because although I was cognizant of my body and surroundings, I was unable to communicate that I was aware and alert, and my body was spasming uncontrollably.
Fast forward to the ER. The second time in this process I have cried. I didn't cry because of what was happening to my body. I cried because of the response I got from the practitioner on duty. She looked at my husband over my shaking body and said, "all the testing done doesn't show anything wrong, the doctor you saw this morning was aware of your condition and didn't want anything changed, so what is your concern?"
I do have to say that the family doctor I'm seeing has been supportive and encouraging to me in my desire to look at every possible solution. She did know I had worsened due to my physical therapy session, but she hadn't seen the severity the muscles spasms had reached.
I was sent home with more muscle relaxers.
And here I sit.
Am I upset I'm ill? Of course I am. Am I depressed over it? No, I'm not. I'm to proactive to have time to allow myself to be depressed. Am I hurt over the attitudes I am facing with the professionals I am seeing? Very!
Today I am doing ok. I am walking a bit better. My muscle spasms aren't to bad unless I get talking. Rest will hopefully get me back to where I was a few days ago when I was able to leave the house a few hours at a time and walk with a cane.
I am grateful for all the help and offers for help that my friends and family have offered. I know many of you have told me to call....I have to be honest, I hate talking on the phone. I may call if I need something but just chatting is to much, I can barely hold the phone for very long!
Pray Scott keeps getting chimney calls. We need to get the jeep fixed before we travel to any out of state doctors. I have been moved to the top of the cancellation list for the lyme specialist I'm waiting to see.
I will sit here now and read a book or watch a movie while I wait for my wonderful husband to get home!
When people ask me how I'm doing I usually say I'm doing good. I answer this way because despite my physical limitations and struggles, mentally I'm in a good spot. Right now, if you were to ask me how I am doing, I'd probably tell you I'm upset and frustrated. This isn't because my symptoms are worsening, it is because of my frustration over how the medical community is responding to my worsening symptoms.
I think the answer "I don't know" is a respectful and honest answer. Not knowing the answer to a problem is fine, that means we just need to keep looking. I have a very difficult time when someone assumes that because they didn't find the answer they were looking for that must then mean there is no answer to find. That is a very self-absorbed response to the dilemma of there being no immediate answer. When I went to the neurologist I have been seeing, instead of telling me she didn't know, she said "there is nothing wrong". For the first time in this whole mess I cried. I cried because her response told me she was all done looking. I cried because her prideful remark was presumptuous and arrogant. I cried because I was disappointed that the doctor I trusted was done trying to help me. She didn't even offer to make a referral.
She told me I was sitting around to much and that my symptoms were getting worse due to this. She advised that I start pushing my limits a little to start building my endurance and strength. I told my physical therapist this. She had been after me to not over do it. To learn to recognize my body's signs that it was time to stop. The concern that fatigue made my symptoms worse guided treatment.
We decided to push it.
Pushing it was really not doing much more, but a little more was all it took to bring on new symptoms.
So now, along with loosing the ability to use my legs (a normal consequence of overdoing it), I developed severe muscle spasms. My legs and arms flared uncontrollably. I was unable to use my right hand at all. Talking made the muscle spasms so bad it looked like I was having a seizure. I even got to the point I couldn't talk or feel my tongue.
That's what I got for "pushing it". I went from the morning where I could walk almost normally, without assistance, to a few hours later being bed ridden, and then a few hours after that needing an ambulance because although I was cognizant of my body and surroundings, I was unable to communicate that I was aware and alert, and my body was spasming uncontrollably.
Fast forward to the ER. The second time in this process I have cried. I didn't cry because of what was happening to my body. I cried because of the response I got from the practitioner on duty. She looked at my husband over my shaking body and said, "all the testing done doesn't show anything wrong, the doctor you saw this morning was aware of your condition and didn't want anything changed, so what is your concern?"
I do have to say that the family doctor I'm seeing has been supportive and encouraging to me in my desire to look at every possible solution. She did know I had worsened due to my physical therapy session, but she hadn't seen the severity the muscles spasms had reached.
I was sent home with more muscle relaxers.
And here I sit.
Am I upset I'm ill? Of course I am. Am I depressed over it? No, I'm not. I'm to proactive to have time to allow myself to be depressed. Am I hurt over the attitudes I am facing with the professionals I am seeing? Very!
Today I am doing ok. I am walking a bit better. My muscle spasms aren't to bad unless I get talking. Rest will hopefully get me back to where I was a few days ago when I was able to leave the house a few hours at a time and walk with a cane.
I am grateful for all the help and offers for help that my friends and family have offered. I know many of you have told me to call....I have to be honest, I hate talking on the phone. I may call if I need something but just chatting is to much, I can barely hold the phone for very long!
Pray Scott keeps getting chimney calls. We need to get the jeep fixed before we travel to any out of state doctors. I have been moved to the top of the cancellation list for the lyme specialist I'm waiting to see.
I will sit here now and read a book or watch a movie while I wait for my wonderful husband to get home!
Sunday, September 1, 2013
I get my sense of humor from my grandmother
Many of you have asked how I'm doing. My answer is almost always, "ok" or "good". I then get "the look" which tells me that you know "good" isn't an accurate response. I think I need to start clarifying that when I say, "I'm good", what I mean is I'm good emotionally. For the most part that is true. I have my moments of course, but over all my state of mind is pretty positive. What choice do I have? Being miserable is..well..miserable.
Some of you know my Grammie Maddocks. She has the craziest sense of humor. It's one of those things that you either get her humor or you are completely horrified by what she finds funny!
She was always wanting to document the "funky" things that happened to us. When I was one I was found sucking on a piece of glass when at first people thought I was sucking on ice. The blood coming out of my mouth was a good clue. She wrapped the piece of glass up in paper towel and saved it. She loved telling that story. When I was eleven I got bit by a bug causing my mouth to swell four times it's normal size. Yes, we have the picture. When I was thirteen I had the worse chapped lips I've ever seen. It was nasty, brown, and crusty up to my nose. Yup, got a picture of that too. We also have a picture of the horrible out I wore Easter Sunday when I was around the age of nine. Her favorite stories to tell were of these sort of incidents. She would laugh, some would laugh with her, some would think it was horrible she found humor in our less then perfect moments.
I tend to laugh at things less then funny to others. I've learned the hard way I need to be careful and gauge others sense of humor before cracking some of my jokes. When it's me who is suffering some calamity, I spend more time laughing at my distress then I do moping about it. I think it's my way of coping. It's like I'm looking at my situation from the outside and saying, "really?", "seriously?", "you've got to be kidding me!".
Today for instance, I suffered the results of over doing it. I went to the mall with the girls last night and then went to church this morning. Shhhhh....don't tell my physical therapist, she'll smack me upside the head! (Love you Casey) Anyway, by the end of church I began to lose my ability to talk..that IS frustrating, especially for me! I also lost the connection that goes from my brain to my legs. Usually, when you want to walk somewhere it is an automatic response, your feet just go. Sometimes, like today, I look straight ahead, want to walk to my destination, and just stand there. My legs don't go. My husband and daughter had to drag me into the house. I'm sorry, but after I got settled into bed, I have to admit I looked back at the situation and had to laugh. There are a boat load of jokes I could crack. Bottom line the irony of the whole situation is something I smirk at. My Nana Brown use to get after me as a teenager for doing to much. She was always telling me to slow down. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if she had some responsibility from Heaven in this situation. At the very least she is shaking her head and sighing at my inability to STOP.
Don't worry, there are a few things I don't find funny in this. The biggest is my not wanting to draw attention to myself. (I know, I know, blogging draws attention to myself. Blogging is done from behind a computer screen). I hate using a walker, I hate asking for help, I hate accepting help. I think it's because I don't want to take advantage of anyone. We all have struggles and there are so many people who need help, not just me. I keep telling myself that I'm being prideful. So, I'm TRYING to accept help. I have found that if I look at it from my families perspective it's much easier. I don't personally need much. I'm just laying around. My family, on the other hand, are picking up all my slack. They may be very happy to accept help. From now on when someone asks me what they can do to help me I'm going to turn that question over to my husband and kids and ask them what THEY need for help.
Some of you know my Grammie Maddocks. She has the craziest sense of humor. It's one of those things that you either get her humor or you are completely horrified by what she finds funny!
She was always wanting to document the "funky" things that happened to us. When I was one I was found sucking on a piece of glass when at first people thought I was sucking on ice. The blood coming out of my mouth was a good clue. She wrapped the piece of glass up in paper towel and saved it. She loved telling that story. When I was eleven I got bit by a bug causing my mouth to swell four times it's normal size. Yes, we have the picture. When I was thirteen I had the worse chapped lips I've ever seen. It was nasty, brown, and crusty up to my nose. Yup, got a picture of that too. We also have a picture of the horrible out I wore Easter Sunday when I was around the age of nine. Her favorite stories to tell were of these sort of incidents. She would laugh, some would laugh with her, some would think it was horrible she found humor in our less then perfect moments.
I tend to laugh at things less then funny to others. I've learned the hard way I need to be careful and gauge others sense of humor before cracking some of my jokes. When it's me who is suffering some calamity, I spend more time laughing at my distress then I do moping about it. I think it's my way of coping. It's like I'm looking at my situation from the outside and saying, "really?", "seriously?", "you've got to be kidding me!".
Today for instance, I suffered the results of over doing it. I went to the mall with the girls last night and then went to church this morning. Shhhhh....don't tell my physical therapist, she'll smack me upside the head! (Love you Casey) Anyway, by the end of church I began to lose my ability to talk..that IS frustrating, especially for me! I also lost the connection that goes from my brain to my legs. Usually, when you want to walk somewhere it is an automatic response, your feet just go. Sometimes, like today, I look straight ahead, want to walk to my destination, and just stand there. My legs don't go. My husband and daughter had to drag me into the house. I'm sorry, but after I got settled into bed, I have to admit I looked back at the situation and had to laugh. There are a boat load of jokes I could crack. Bottom line the irony of the whole situation is something I smirk at. My Nana Brown use to get after me as a teenager for doing to much. She was always telling me to slow down. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if she had some responsibility from Heaven in this situation. At the very least she is shaking her head and sighing at my inability to STOP.
Don't worry, there are a few things I don't find funny in this. The biggest is my not wanting to draw attention to myself. (I know, I know, blogging draws attention to myself. Blogging is done from behind a computer screen). I hate using a walker, I hate asking for help, I hate accepting help. I think it's because I don't want to take advantage of anyone. We all have struggles and there are so many people who need help, not just me. I keep telling myself that I'm being prideful. So, I'm TRYING to accept help. I have found that if I look at it from my families perspective it's much easier. I don't personally need much. I'm just laying around. My family, on the other hand, are picking up all my slack. They may be very happy to accept help. From now on when someone asks me what they can do to help me I'm going to turn that question over to my husband and kids and ask them what THEY need for help.
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