Another Sunday goes by where instead of attending church, I laid in bed. Nothing is more frustrating to me about this illness then my inability to regularly attend church. Despite all of the improvements I am making in my health, regular church attendance is something I have yet been able to achieve. It isn't for lack of trying. And my legalistic baptist upbringing ensures I have plenty of guilt. Every weekend I have to remind myself to lay it at the feet of God and not to stress or feel bad when I am unable to get myself through the Church doors. I spent a lot of time today reflecting why I feel so guilty for my lack of attendance. Today was especially frustrating because a week ago when I made it almost to church only to have Scott turn around and take me home, I made a commitment to ensure I would not expend to much energy the days leading up to church so that I would be able to go. So, what happens? I come down with a cold this week, and then on top of that woke up this morning with a migraine.
So, after lots of reflection I wrote down the reasons I feel so much guilt. Now I will explain them in this blog and hopefully be able to finally let the guilt go. It's absolutely silly I feel this way. I don't feel guilty about anything else I am unable to do as much as I do this.
It's my fault
I have spent alot of time through this illness retraining my brain so that I would no longer blame myself for the things I am unable to do. I use to feel like a horrible wife and mother before I understood how sick I was. I never could function in the way I saw other's function and always felt weak because of that. I have absolutely let those thoughts go and am now working hard to help my girls to stop judging themselves harshly when faced with their limitations. Despite all this, I still am blaming myself for not attending church. I thought for the past year or so that it was because I wasn't prioritizing my time well. The thought of church on Sunday was so daunting because I had stuff to do that day and if I were to attend church in the morning the likelihood of doing anything else later that day was null. It's hard because I can only do so many things in a day. Literally, a weekday is a good day if I can do both housework and teach a taekwondo class, or do housework and do an errand in town. I rarely can do errands in town and taekwondo, but sometimes I can. So, by the weekend there is usually alot of errands and housework to be caught up on and I can only get caught up on non-taekwondo days. The guilt stems from my feelings that I am placing work and chores, and kids school activities above church. I didn't know how to flip my priorities around. It took a few months, and Scott also rearranging his work schedule to help me on Saturdays, but we finally got a system down where I can usually have nothing to do on Sundays but church. Problem solved? Nope. And this is where I think God is trying to teach me something. Because despite all I have done to prioritize my time, I still struggle with feeling healthy enough to do anything before noon. I am trying now, really hard, to let go of the guilt and blame I place on myself just like I did with other areas of my life.
I am setting a bad example for my children
I grew up with the knowledge that if the church doors were open I would be there. It is really hard not to have that same mindset with my own children. Especially where they are sick too. I worry all the time that if I don't attend church, they won't see it as a priority to set in their own lives. If I don't go then the family almost never attends either. Once again, it isn't because they don't want to, its because they also have serious health issues. Scott and Chelsea work so hard during the week and really need the weekends to rest. Jenna struggles with the sensory overload that happens at church. As much as I've worried about this, I have realized over the past few years that the girls have a strong sense of trust in Christ. They may not have had the example of weekly church attendance, but they have definitely seen how much Scott and I have trusted God to meet our needs.
I'm a people pleaser
One of the biggest obstacles in my spiritual growth was my need to have acceptance and praise from others. When I was younger, if I wasn't getting positive feedback from those I looked up to then I didn't feel like I was where I should be spiritually. It took me a long time to move past that and understand my relationship with God was what was important more so then the opinion of others. Through this illness I am seeing that I still struggle with this. I don't want people to think I have moved away from God simply because they aren't seeing me involved in the body of Christ. I wonder if I am sick so often on Sunday mornings because God is still working on this area in my life. My desire should simply be to be living in God's will and I shouldn't be worrying about what other's think of me. I also am realizing that I have made judgments of others when I stopped seeing them in church. I've made assumptions without having any understanding of the person's situation. I know one thing for sure, I will never make that mistake again. It is never our place to make judgement of where someone is at spiritually.
I desire to connect with others
My biggest sadness in my inability to attend church regularly isn't from guilt, but from a lack of connection. I feel completely isolated from my church family. It is hard on the Sunday's I do come to church because I see all that the church body is doing and I am unaware and uninvolved. What's worse is when I am greeted by someone as though I am new to church or just visiting. I see people who I have known for years interacting with people I have never met as though they are all very close, and these new people have no idea who I am or that I exist. That makes coming to church hard because I feel like I'm only looking though a window at everyone else who is actually in church and involved. It makes me not want to come until I know I can come regularly because I want to feel a part of things and I don't know how I can feel that way until I can come to church regularly and also give time to ministry. Despite feeling this way, I will still try to come to church, I'm just saying it's another reason it's hard.
All I know, is that I don't think you can truly understand the motives behind someone's actions or inactions unless you have lived in similar circumstances. I am taking from this a deep understand as to why it is difficult for some people to attend church regularly if at all. I hope to someday find ways to take this knowledge and use it to be a blessing to others. I hope that in sharing this I have at least given you a glimpse of what it's like to live on this side of the window. There are many more people besides me who are looking in from the outside and just simply are unable to come in and join the party.
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