There is nothing more frustrating to me then being limited in my options. I functioned with chronic illness for almost 30 years, and never allowed pain and fatigue to stop me from doing the things I set my mind to doing.
I attended college, I gained experience in my professional field of choice, I trained in Tae Kwon Do and excelled in all areas of this sport. I homeschooled, and then when my children returned to public school I remained active in their lives both in and out of the classroom.
Words like industrious, creative, enterprising, entrepreneur, are words that describe me.
My brain is always churning out ideas. I spend a lot of time and effort organizing ideas to focus on, ideas to put on hold, and ideas that may not be worth my time. I literally have a complex filing system in my head that compartmentalizes all of my thought processes.
Along with all of this, I consider myself a hard worker. I do believe God has been teaching me to not depend on my own abilities so much as I go through this illness, but I also am feeling God's gentle nudging to reexamine some ideas I have filed into the "not worth my time" section of my brain.
I have been off the radar for a month or so because we had to move both our home and our business. Let me tell you, if it weren't for the help of friends, family, and students, we would have been really struggling. Even with the help, the move has hurt our finances to the point of it becoming a critical situation. That's reality when you have a houseful of people who have high medical bills. Historically, when faced with this dilemma, I could take on a second job, or get extra hours at my full time job. Scott, as well, has many places that he can seek out work from. Unfortunately, these options are viable for either of us at the moment.
My mind quickly began to think of ideas of how to earn money. Over the winter, when in these situations, I would purposely stop trying to figure it out, and let God solve our problems for us. Doing nothing but praying was a major step of faith, a step that paid off every time.
This time is different. When I tried not to worry, and only pray, God gently nudged me to look at my options. The peace I had been experiencing all winter whenever I let go of a problem, hasn't happened this time. Carefully, and prayerfully, I have been allowing myself to evaluate what I could do to help our financial situation.
God knows my motivator. It's to be financially stable. I'm not saying I want lots of money for lots of things, but when I am feeling the financial rug being pulled out from under me I suddenly find myself hugging God a bit closer.
Let me put out a disclaimer: I am not saying God was nudging me to earn more money. What I am trying to express is that God used finances as a way to pay attention to other things I had been letting slide.
For years I have said I wanted to write a book. I've also had numerous people at various times, tell me I should do more with writing. I have started multiple book projects, but a wall would always go up in my head and I wouldn't follow through with anything.
I usually saw the wall as God's way of telling me to wait. I don't know if that was truly the case, or just my way of getting out of something that made me feel insecure. Writing is a personal endeavor. You are taking your unique thoughts and ideas, and putting them out there for all the world to judge. What if the world judged your writing poorly? It's not like writing a blog, at least not for me. Blogs don't take long to write so the personal investment is minimal. If people don's read it or don't like it, you haven't lost much. Writing a book is a long, hard process. It's a full time job! A person who endeavors to write a book has to be willing to invest a large amount of time and energy into something that may never be given much attention to by the general public. Your book is your baby, if you aren't careful, you could feel the rejection of your hard work to be a rejection of you as an individual. It is obvious why I have been so hesitant to pursue this project.
Last year I made a commitment to myself to take one of my book ideas and write the first chapter. I spent months working on this chapter both researching and soul searching. When my illness became the main focus of my life, I put the book on the back burner and focused on other things. Over the winter I have had a few people suggest I use my love of writing as a way to generate an income. I pushed the comments aside and continued to only blog when I felt inspired to do so.
Recently, I pulled up the file that held the chapter I had written last year. As I reread it I realized that it was something worth sharing. I decided to write a second chapter and a few weeks ago I finished chapter two. I wasn't in a huge hurry to start chapter three, I was viewing this as something to do slowly, over time. Apparently, God has better plans. He implanted on my heart not only the desire, but the burning need to finish this book.
Before I started the next chapter, I decided the best way to hold my feet to the fire was to put my plans out to the public. If I said publicly I was going to do something, then I would have to do it! God made sure I committed fully to this by providing me the 'motivation' I previously shared that gets me running. A financial situation gave me the drive to get online and seriously figure out my best publishing options. I then have taken it even further and published my first book, using some blogs I had previously written as a way to work out the kinks that come with self-publishing. I am so pleased with the product I decided to actively market it. You can check out my first publication in print form at https://www.createspace.com/4845840 . It is in digital format at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KVEKGP4
Do I think I am going to make it big in the writing world? Statistics say probably not. That's not why I'm writing. Yes, it was finances that pushed me over the line to become willing to put myself out there, but now that I have taken the plunge I see this in a whole new way.
I love writing! I simply love it. What has been stopping me is my own insecurities. Putting this first book out to the public knocked down my wall of fear. I can now see what was on the other side of that wall. A life time of putting my thoughts into print and sharing my projects with whoever God sends my way. It is like I was hiding in a shadow, not realizing I was missing out on a beautiful field in the sunshine. I don't care if I don't make a penny, I feel free to express myself through the written word and my mind is bubbling with ideas.
Don't get me wrong, if I could make an income that would help pay for our families medical expenses I would accept that gift from God with gratitude. I would love to be able to simply pay for the best treatment, and then once I was well help others who are sick get treatment. For now, I am simply happy to have found a way to feel productive. I need to feel as though I am contributing to society in some way. Sitting on my couch watching Netflix has gotten very old. I am well enough that I can spend small blocks of time during the day doing things that help me feel like I'm not sick. I don't want the self identity of being disabled. I need to feel as though I am using my abilities to bring something positive to my community. Writing is doing that for me.
